You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
