I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
