your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
