Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
