I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i think i have herpe
just one?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
