Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize