He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
