did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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