I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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