i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Semen is not good for contacts.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
