well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
