Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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