Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
