are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
