Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
