I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
