final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
