Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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