The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
