the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
