I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
