I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
