Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
