I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
