What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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