maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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