Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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This is classic penis vs brain.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
