She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
