I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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