That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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