i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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