Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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