I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
