sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
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we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
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Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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