I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
