I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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