He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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