Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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