now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
