he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
