So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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