the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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