Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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