"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
