the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
