she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
