I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
