my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
