I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
