College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
