if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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