I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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