Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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