you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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