My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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