The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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