Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
