i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
